Some things are not meant to be............
Here's the beginning of where I am today as we try to have another baby. In the summer of 2009 Karsyn was just about to turn 2, And we were thinking about starting to try for another. I figured since it took so long and it was so much work for her, that we better get started so they are not too far apart in age. So in June I went to see my Dr and told him we were ready to try. He gave me some conception vitamins and told me to give these a shot. So we took it easy for the first two months, I wasn't ready to jump right back in all the fertility treatments. In October I went back in and did an ultrasound, there was one good egg so he gave me the usual HCG shot to force me to ovulate and sent me on my way. 2 weeks later I started to notice a little change in my body, and I hadn't started my period yet. I just knew that I was pregnant, I was a little hesitant to actually get myself to take a test because I did not want to get my hopes up. But sure enough I took the test and it was positive. A lot was running through my mind when I found out, I obviously wasn't expecting for it to just happen so easy. I was soo excited though and couldn't wait to share the news. I went to my first Dr appt at about 6 weeks and everything was great, I still couldn't quite believe that it was actually true. We were told the baby would be due the first week of July which was perfect since Karsyn would be turning 3 that August. On Thanksgiving that year we thought it would be the perfect time to tell the family about are exciting news. So we sent Karsyn to dinner with a big sister shirt on. It took everyone a little bit to catch on but finally they noticed and everyone was so excited for us!
Everything so far was going along perfectly, I was so happy and I felt great. When I was about 10 1/2 weeks I woke up in the morning a notice I had a small amount of spotting. It wasn't very much and I know it can be very normal to spot a little during the first trimester so I tried not to let it bother me. I made through the day feeling totally fine, When I got home that evening I had started to spot a little bit more so for piece of mind I went to an Insta Care. I saw the Dr and she confirmed that spotting can be very normal especially when it's very light. They do not have ultrasounds there so she checked my cervix. She said that it felt normal, if I were to be losing a baby the cervix would be open. She said she didn't feel like I needed to be concerned but she did want to do blood work and she would call me the next day with the results. I got the call the next day while I was at work, still at this point I felt totally fine and was no longer bleeding. The nurse called and said that my blood work came back and the Dr was a little concerned. She said the level of a certain hormone was lower than usual for as far along as I was. Again she reassured me that everything could be fine but I should try to see my OB as soon as possible. At this point I broke down, I knew in my heart that something wasn't right. So I called my Dr's office and got an emergency appointment with the on call Dr.
As you all know I have visited my Dr's office literally a hundred times but this visit still feels like it was yesterday. John met me there and they took me in to the ultrasound room to look and see what was going on. He put the ultra sound on my stomach and we saw our little baby. It appeared to be normal, so he said he would do a vaginal ultra sound to get a better look. When he put the probe in and turned on the machine the entire room was quiet. We could see our baby but the screen below it where it shows the frequency of the heartbeat was completely blank and there was no sound of a heartbeat. I knew right then that our baby was gone. That was one of the hardest days of my life so far. It especially broke my heart to see John cry, as a pregnant mom I think you can forget that there is someone else just as emotionally attached as you are. I had a pretty rough night, It was hard to get myself to sleep knowing that I was about to lose this baby forever. We told our close friends and family and then the next morning went back to the Dr to see my OB. He decided that since I had to see the on call Dr. that he would do another examination. I felt like it was double jab to have to go through that, and once again see the lifeless baby still in me. He confirmed what I already knew and scheduled me that day for a D&C. Physically the D&C was fine, it was really hard for me to look at my 2 year old and try to explain to her what mommy was going through. She was really sweet and I don't think she fully understood, she just knew that mommy had a baby in her tummy and its now in heaven. I never did get an explanation to why I miscarried so that's been pretty hard, there are so many things that can cause it to happen. Still today it seems so surreal to me, it's as if that baby was never meant to be. If I can take one positive thing from that experience is that it opened a great window for me. After Karsyn was born I struggled managing work and wanting to go back to school to get my cosmetology license. But when we lost the baby I decided that now's the time to and go back to finish, I knew that if we would have had another baby there was no way I could have completed. As hard as it was I am thankful I went back and graduated.
So here I am now, It's been a year and a half and it hasn't been very easy. I like being able to share my story with you. It gives me a chance to be honest and to get my feelings out. I will be posting again soon and I will share with you what's been going on over the last year and a half.
Here's the beginning of where I am today as we try to have another baby. In the summer of 2009 Karsyn was just about to turn 2, And we were thinking about starting to try for another. I figured since it took so long and it was so much work for her, that we better get started so they are not too far apart in age. So in June I went to see my Dr and told him we were ready to try. He gave me some conception vitamins and told me to give these a shot. So we took it easy for the first two months, I wasn't ready to jump right back in all the fertility treatments. In October I went back in and did an ultrasound, there was one good egg so he gave me the usual HCG shot to force me to ovulate and sent me on my way. 2 weeks later I started to notice a little change in my body, and I hadn't started my period yet. I just knew that I was pregnant, I was a little hesitant to actually get myself to take a test because I did not want to get my hopes up. But sure enough I took the test and it was positive. A lot was running through my mind when I found out, I obviously wasn't expecting for it to just happen so easy. I was soo excited though and couldn't wait to share the news. I went to my first Dr appt at about 6 weeks and everything was great, I still couldn't quite believe that it was actually true. We were told the baby would be due the first week of July which was perfect since Karsyn would be turning 3 that August. On Thanksgiving that year we thought it would be the perfect time to tell the family about are exciting news. So we sent Karsyn to dinner with a big sister shirt on. It took everyone a little bit to catch on but finally they noticed and everyone was so excited for us!
Everything so far was going along perfectly, I was so happy and I felt great. When I was about 10 1/2 weeks I woke up in the morning a notice I had a small amount of spotting. It wasn't very much and I know it can be very normal to spot a little during the first trimester so I tried not to let it bother me. I made through the day feeling totally fine, When I got home that evening I had started to spot a little bit more so for piece of mind I went to an Insta Care. I saw the Dr and she confirmed that spotting can be very normal especially when it's very light. They do not have ultrasounds there so she checked my cervix. She said that it felt normal, if I were to be losing a baby the cervix would be open. She said she didn't feel like I needed to be concerned but she did want to do blood work and she would call me the next day with the results. I got the call the next day while I was at work, still at this point I felt totally fine and was no longer bleeding. The nurse called and said that my blood work came back and the Dr was a little concerned. She said the level of a certain hormone was lower than usual for as far along as I was. Again she reassured me that everything could be fine but I should try to see my OB as soon as possible. At this point I broke down, I knew in my heart that something wasn't right. So I called my Dr's office and got an emergency appointment with the on call Dr.
As you all know I have visited my Dr's office literally a hundred times but this visit still feels like it was yesterday. John met me there and they took me in to the ultrasound room to look and see what was going on. He put the ultra sound on my stomach and we saw our little baby. It appeared to be normal, so he said he would do a vaginal ultra sound to get a better look. When he put the probe in and turned on the machine the entire room was quiet. We could see our baby but the screen below it where it shows the frequency of the heartbeat was completely blank and there was no sound of a heartbeat. I knew right then that our baby was gone. That was one of the hardest days of my life so far. It especially broke my heart to see John cry, as a pregnant mom I think you can forget that there is someone else just as emotionally attached as you are. I had a pretty rough night, It was hard to get myself to sleep knowing that I was about to lose this baby forever. We told our close friends and family and then the next morning went back to the Dr to see my OB. He decided that since I had to see the on call Dr. that he would do another examination. I felt like it was double jab to have to go through that, and once again see the lifeless baby still in me. He confirmed what I already knew and scheduled me that day for a D&C. Physically the D&C was fine, it was really hard for me to look at my 2 year old and try to explain to her what mommy was going through. She was really sweet and I don't think she fully understood, she just knew that mommy had a baby in her tummy and its now in heaven. I never did get an explanation to why I miscarried so that's been pretty hard, there are so many things that can cause it to happen. Still today it seems so surreal to me, it's as if that baby was never meant to be. If I can take one positive thing from that experience is that it opened a great window for me. After Karsyn was born I struggled managing work and wanting to go back to school to get my cosmetology license. But when we lost the baby I decided that now's the time to and go back to finish, I knew that if we would have had another baby there was no way I could have completed. As hard as it was I am thankful I went back and graduated.
So here I am now, It's been a year and a half and it hasn't been very easy. I like being able to share my story with you. It gives me a chance to be honest and to get my feelings out. I will be posting again soon and I will share with you what's been going on over the last year and a half.
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