Some things are not meant to be............

Some things are not meant to be............
Here's the beginning of where I am today as we try to have another baby. In the summer of 2009 Karsyn was just about to turn 2, And we were thinking about starting to try for another. I figured since it took so long and it was so much work for her, that we better get started so they are not too far apart in age. So in June I went to see my Dr and told him we were ready to try. He gave me some conception vitamins and told me to give these a shot. So we took it easy for the first two months, I wasn't ready to jump right back in all the fertility treatments. In October I went back in and did an ultrasound, there was one good egg so he gave me the usual HCG shot to force me to ovulate and sent me on my way. 2 weeks later I started to notice a little change in my body, and I hadn't started my period yet. I just knew that I was pregnant, I was a little hesitant to actually get myself to take a test because I did not want to get my hopes up. But sure enough I took the test and it was positive. A lot was running through my mind when I found out, I obviously wasn't expecting for it to just happen so easy. I was soo excited though and couldn't wait to share the news. I went to my first Dr appt at about 6 weeks and everything was great, I still couldn't quite believe that it was actually true. We were told the baby would be due the first week of July which was perfect since Karsyn would be turning 3 that August. On Thanksgiving that year we thought it would be the perfect time to tell the family about are exciting news. So we sent Karsyn to dinner with a big sister shirt on. It took everyone a little bit to catch on but finally they noticed and everyone was so excited for us!
Everything so far was going along perfectly, I was so happy and I felt great. When I was about 10 1/2 weeks I woke up in the morning a notice I had a small amount of spotting. It wasn't very much and I know it can be very normal to spot a little during the first trimester so I tried not to let it bother me. I made through the day feeling totally fine, When I got home that evening I had started to spot a little bit more so for piece of mind I went to an Insta Care. I saw the Dr and she confirmed that spotting can be very normal especially when it's very light. They do not have ultrasounds there so she checked my cervix. She said that it felt normal, if I were to be losing a baby the cervix would be open. She said she didn't feel like I needed to be concerned but she did want to do blood work and she would call me the next day with the results. I got the call the next day while I was at work, still at this point I felt totally fine and was no longer bleeding. The nurse called and said that my blood work came back and the Dr was a little concerned. She said the level of a certain hormone was lower than usual for as far along as I was. Again she reassured me that everything could be fine but I should try to see my OB as soon as possible. At this point I broke down, I knew in my heart that something wasn't right. So I called my Dr's office and got an emergency appointment with the on call Dr.
As you all know I have visited my Dr's office literally a hundred times but this visit still feels like it was yesterday. John met me there and they took me in to the ultrasound room to look and see what was going on. He put the ultra sound on my stomach and we saw our little baby. It appeared to be normal, so he said he would do a vaginal ultra sound to get a better look. When he put the probe in and turned on the machine the entire room was quiet. We could see our baby but the screen below it where it shows the frequency of the heartbeat was completely blank and there was no sound of a heartbeat. I knew right then that our baby was gone. That was one of the hardest days of my life so far. It especially broke my heart to see John cry, as a pregnant mom I think you can forget that there is someone else just as emotionally attached as you are. I had a pretty rough night, It was hard to get myself to sleep knowing that I was about to lose this baby forever. We told our close friends and family and then the next morning went back to the Dr to see my OB. He decided that since I had to see the on call Dr. that he would do another examination. I felt like it was double jab to have to go through that, and once again see the lifeless baby still in me. He confirmed what I already knew and scheduled me that day for a D&C. Physically the D&C was fine, it was really hard for me to look at my 2 year old and try to explain to her what mommy was going through. She was really sweet and I don't think she fully understood, she just knew that mommy had a baby in her tummy and its now in heaven. I never did get an explanation to why I miscarried so that's been pretty hard, there are so many things that can cause it to happen. Still today it seems so surreal to me, it's as if that baby was never meant to be. If I can take one positive thing from that experience is that it opened a great window for me. After Karsyn was born I struggled managing work and wanting to go back to school to get my cosmetology license. But when we lost the baby I decided that now's the time to and go back to finish, I knew that if we would have had another baby there was no way I could have completed. As hard as it was I am thankful I went back and graduated.
So here I am now, It's been a year and a half and it hasn't been very easy. I like being able to share my story with you. It gives me a chance to be honest and to get my feelings out. I will be posting again soon and I will share with you what's been going on over the last year and a half.

From Love to Fertility

My Infertility problems started at about the age of 18, when it was discovered that I suffer from severe endometriosis and ovarian cysts. Over the next few years I was on a hormonal/emotional roller coaster. I was on some pretty intense medications. My Dr put my body through a state of menopause for over a year and a half I had to surgeries done all to prepare my body for motherhood. I am still surprised to this day that John stuck around long enough, I went through some pretty hard ups and downs. He was there by my side through everything, he still wanted to spend his life with me and take this journey together. If that is not true love then I don’t know what is. He is an amazing man and my best friend.

I have been seeing a fertility specialist since the beginning and I feel very fortunate to have such a great Dr. I don’t think we would have been able to get pregnant with Karsyn if he hadn’t been so proactive and supportive.

I got married in March of 2006, I was a month shy of turning 21 and John was about to be 26. We had very little time to for the carefree honeymoon stage. A few months before our wedding Dr Johnson asked if he could meet with both John and I to discuss the future. He was very upfront and honest about our situation and pretty much just said the longer you wait to have a baby the less of a chance you will have. We both decided it was something we really wanted and beginning in April of 2006 we started on the fertility treatments. Not even sure where to begin on process of our baby making life. It took about 9 months to get pregnant with our baby girl Karsyn. During those long 9 months I was going to the Dr 3-4 times a month for shots, ultra sounds and blood work. I was taking maximum dose of the fertility drug Clomid (we refer to them as my crazy pills). I also was given this weird estrogen gel that I was supposed to rub on my thighs every night before going to bed. How’s that for romantic! We were on a pretty strict sex schedule, I don’t think John really minded too much. We had several months of a crazy baby-making routine, and countless nights holding my legs up in the air as I tried to fall asleep just to keep everything in there. I was willing to try anything, and think I just about did. I went to the hospital and had my tubes cleaned out, And it was one of the worst experiences thus far… OUCH! We finally decided that what we were doing just wasn’t working. So my Dr decided we were ready to try IUI (Artificial Insemination).The first attempt failed and I felt pretty hopeless. It was starting to sink in that this just may not be an option for our future. I was pretty determined and didn’t want to give up but I was starting to feel pretty discourage and emotionally exhausted. Not to mention the stress it put on us as a newly married couple, this was the time when we were supposed to me carefree and enjoying life.

So I know people love to tell their story of the night they conceived but how many know the exact day and time when it actually happened? I do and unfortunately for John, I love to share our story. So we decided to give IUI another try, I was convinced that this was THE TIME. I followed the normal routine, truck full of pills and then My Dr does an ultra sound and can predict how many eggs I will release and the exact day it should happen. He said that he believed our best shot was to come in that upcoming Sunday. So he gave me my monthly shot in the butt and told John and I to come back Sunday morning. The office is usually closed on Sunday, But my Dr being as amazing as he is came in that day just for us. We pull up to a very vacant parking lot and went through the side doors. The entire Tanner Clinic was closed and all the lights were off. (it was kind of creepy)So we went to my Dr’s Office, up on the third floor and there he was waiting for us along with his son who had to have been maybe 15 at the time. (Weird?) So for those of you who are not familiar with the procedure we had to collect a sample from John and then Dr J inserts it into my uterus with what I like to call “the turkey baster”. Dr. Johnson hands John his cup and sends us to a room to do our thing. Normally couples do something romantic and there is actual love making involved when they get pregnant. Well not us, here we are in this empty Doctors office just staring at each other. It was incredibly awkward and we couldn’t help but think of what was riding on this little cup of sperm. For Johns sake I am going to skip the intimate details (but there were some good laughs). After, we made the very uncomfortable walk down the hall back to Dr J’s office where he and his son were filing paper work. I don’t think John looked him or his son in the eyes once LOL. We proceeded with the second IUI with all our hopes and prayers and 10months later I gave birth to our beautiful 6 lb 3 oz baby girl. I had a great pregnancy and an ok delivery, just a few minor issues. But the moment she was born all that hard work and stress was behind me. She was worth every tear and every penny spent. Our life, our sweet little family of 3 was perfect!

Happy to be a mom

My situation is complicated! I hate to come on here and post about the negative in my life, because life is still great. I feel very fortunate to have been given the chance to be called "Mommy". Karsyn is my life and she is Beautiful, Healthy and full of life, that's more than I could ask for. I can not express how much I love her and how grateful I am to have her and John in my life. There are many couples out there that will never get the opportunity to have a child of their own. She is my miracle baby and I know in my heart that we are lucky to have her, even if she is the only one. So my goal for this blog is not for sympathy but for a chance for me to express my feelings and receive advise and support.

My thoughts on Paper

As I reach the 2 year mark of when John and I decided to start trying for another baby, I decided that I needed to get my thoughts on Paper (well online.) I have never blogged before, But I hear so much about them and I have read a few. I have spent thousands of hours on the web researching topics mostly related to Conceiving, and of course occasionally losing track in online shopping & celeb gossip. I have read some pretty amazing posts from other woman who have and are experiencing the same problems I am; many are not as fortunate as I and have been through so much more. So this is going to be something new for me, I am going to get it all out there. Those of you who know me, know that I am not one to spare details. I feel this will be a great way to share with my family and friends.